seven months ago this very day i arrived on this island. herded off the ferry, glaze-eyed and sweaty, lucky to have followed my isreali travel partners to the place i did. starting from (basically) zero to instructor was not what i would have imagined my life to shape into. but i am happy about it. diving is what i have dreamt about forever without knowing it. i like this world mostly. always good people. always a place i belong, cold beers, sun, the sea (my true love). but i will never get over the leaving part. i walked to the ferry dock before six am but i am still here. i dont know how to either contain the sadness bleeding out or stop the enamel coating growing into an indestructable shell of repression. i will not be a ghost this time. but it is the same feeling of walking with a shadow and feeling all the more alone for it. it is the same feeling of missing something and being unable to pinpoint exactly what but knowing, knowing.
so happy seven month anniversary to me. i swam with the most beautiful creature today. it was a perfect moment. isabelle and i fast after the whaleshark, it was maybe three meters long, with a couple hitchhikers attached underneath, and i saw his face and it made me grin, inside, like the kind of smile where you show all your teeth. and we both have wounds to heal and i feel lucky to have shared that moment with the right person. one month ago yael and i saw our first whaleshark and that was a perfect moment too. i know i'm the lucky one.
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