the laws of bouyancy in practice

i realized yesterday that the thing i miss most, have always missed most no matter where i have been living, is my mother's kitchen. where everything is in its place and nothing is missing. a complete spice rack. proper appliances and utensils. it seems such a simple thing but it is a lifetime of preparation behind it.

when this was just a trip, just a travel plan and not a life, there were goals. many actually. there has so far been only one met; to acquire new and useful job skills/knowledge to help get closer to graduate school acceptance. i have not learned spanish to any real level. i have not written. i have barely taken photos. i hadn't even made it to more than two countries before this week. what a failure.

but here i sit in nicaragua, on vacation from so much work. it is desert and scrub and ocean waves breaking on dirty brown silt-sand. the sunset is the bright deep hue of burning brush fire. jesus stands sentry above the bay, palm held high against the winds as if to keep those rushing clouds at bay. silver and luminous he is watching you. this town is just another tourist trap. harbourside restaurants vie for your patronage and set tables on decks stretching over the packed sand towards the moored ships sheltering. they know you do not speak spanish. they know you don't know how much a taxi ride should cost. and i don't quite care. this is my vacation so fuck it high prices and fake smiles and all. let's go surfing and drinking and forget the rest of the world exists. spending days by the pool with a book and music and a beer is all i wanted. until i get bored then i will be ready to resume responsibility for myself my dog my life. i don't know what happened to that long  five plus months of travel vacation i had promised to myself. the cloak of life just slips on so easily, its an old friend just revamped in new shiny caribbean colors. trade the greys of new york city living for clear clean azures much more appealing but oh at some level its all the same. i am growing down not up. i am on the razor edge of running.