on the road again, for a moment

so here i am in placencia, belize. its quiet and touristy and there's a wide white beach and palm trees and no sandflies. this is what i wanted my vacation to be like. instead, i find myself missing utila. i love being on the road though, in buses and boats and watching the countryside float by. there are things that you don't realize you miss until you've gone. i miss my dog. i'm worried that she's gonna cry and won't get walked enough and will have too many fleas when i get back. when i first got her, i didn't know if i would like her enough to keep her for good. she was shy and scared and seemed like she had no personality. but after the first two weeks, she started to come out of her shell. she plays now and makes cute funny noises and jumps around and play bites me and wags her tail when i come home. she loves me because i feed her and walk her and rub her tummy. now i wouldn't dream of giving her up.

the quiet here is creeping me out. there are too many old white people here. its too expensive. maybe we'll go somewhere else tomorrow. the jungle might be nice, although i totally didn't bring any clothes appropriate for that sort of thing. supposedly there's cave tubing which would be super fun. i love going into caves, and especially cave rivers, even though it scares the shit out of me. i want to cave dive someday. the more fear you add to an adventure the more satisfying it is when you've done it. cave diving seems like the ultimate. or maybe super deep tech diving although that doesn't hold as much allure. creatures of the deep ocean are incredibly fascinating, but i always imagined going down there to observe in a little submersible vehicle of some sort. haha.

i've always accepted the fact that, unlike past generations, i will have many careers in my life. i'm too torn by contradicting desires to think that i'll ever find just one thing to focus on for my entire life. i love the city life, and i love the natural world. i tried the city, and now i know i don't want that anymore. i don't think that the last ten years were a waste of time, persuing a career in photography, living the glamorous life (haha) in new york city. it was fun and exciting and i learned a lot about myself and the world. i feel grateful that i know without any doubts that that is not the life i want to lead anymore. i can focus on finding something new. diving was not something i'd ever thought about as a career or anything close. but it fits: i can travel, be close to the sea, and learn something first hand about marine biology. i can be close to the fishes, which up until a short while ago i'd only considered an outside interest but now think i should persue some kind of conservation study... somewhere done the line grad school in marine conservation biology is a distant goal. for now i'm quite happy persuing a "career" in diving. instructor in the next few months, whenever i can afford it, then going from there. hopefully seeing much more of the world in the next few years. my life is open, and its kind of exciting. i'm not in a hurry.

i'm not doing too badly on utila either. i had thought i would go home to my parent's house in california because rent is free and maybe i could save some money working back in the states. but it would take at least a month, maybe more, to find any job at home, and it would most likely be an unsatisfying job. so i may as well stay where i have a job (or two) that i enjoy, and even if i'm not earning that much, its not too bad now. its going to get busier as well, so i should be diving more often and maybe even making more at the bar. i made enough in the first week of feburary to pay my rent and then some. if i work at it, i could save a fair bit. i also want to at least take the efr instructor course and then i can teach that too. most instructors don't want to waste their time teaching that so it makes sense. and if i stay in utila through the end of april i can work through semana santa too, and thats supposed to be a crazy week.

but life is subject to change. like feelings, opinions, goals and dreams... its all wide open.